Sunday ⭑ August 09, 2026

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal ideation.

Please proceed with kindess and caution.




My mental health has been declining for the past few months, but I think I hit the lowest point today. Without going into too much details, I sat down and talked with my mom about... whatever's going on with our family.

At first it was all anger, blaming on certain people, pushing the narrative on who's right and who's wrong in the situation, only listening to respond back and clear up sides. Afterwards, I just felt helpless and numb. Tears started to shed — whether it's from being so angry or just so defeated, I don't know.

Somewhere along the way, I got tired of speaking up and defending myself; even explaning myself. I just let her talk over me, about me. Just listening as I stared off from the distance with tears running down my face.

It sounds corny and very much like a telenovela experience, but it was real. It happened. I just didn't know how to handle that situation earlier. Even with sitting down and having to talk about what's wrong, I couldn't even bring myself to say that I needed help. I couldn't say that I was struggling, and that I'm very much nearing the end of the line, just waiting for something — anything — to happen to me. Because I'm a coward and I'm scared of what comes next.

The apologies that I had longed for hearing before, it echoed emptily through my ears. I felt nothing; all those years that I have held a grudge in my heart to the point of forgetting majority of the things that happened to me back in my childhood. All those times I was surpressing my thoughts and feelings, afraid of being taken advantage of or getting dismissed for being vulnerable.

It all feels so foreign to me now. The apologies, whether it was sincere or just the spur of the moment earlier, it didn't stir anything in me. It was one of the things I wanted to hear before, but now, I wonder why it didn't feel right? A tiny voice in my head kept saying "it's all too late now", but a tiny hope in me wished that it wasn't.

I said that nothing will change after this, I'll still go back to the usual way of treating them. Although I'm not too sure with my mom. After I cried my heart out for an hour after our talk, I tried to still continue to talk to her like usual. That's what we're good at, isn't it? To act as if everything's fine after being mad at each other.

But another thing keeps ringing in my mind. The fact that they're all growing older, with underlying health issues that they're too afraid to seek for professional medical help. I felt guilty and worthless. I'm really an ungrateful, spoiled child, aren't I? How am I still thinking about myself when the people around me are suffering, too?

So I'll just quietly pray and hope that after I close my eyes, it would be the last thing. And hopefully death comes to my door soon. Because I am a coward and I am terrified of what will happen after.

And I hope that it will be something quick and not painful; to save my family's embarrassment for me and other financial burden that may come. And I hope that I get to see and be with Asher soon; and I hope that he may forgive me for being a terrible owner.

To sleep for eternity, free from becoming anyone's burden.