Sunday ⭑ June 28, 2026

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal ideation.

No graphic details about it, but still, please proceed with kindess and caution.




I am currently defeated and devastated right now. No, I am unable to process all these emotions and thoughts that I'm experiencing due to the incident that happened earlier. It's just that I'm feeling quite numb about it all. And I'm just typing out the next thought that comes across my mind, so bear with me if I sound too random and confusing.

Hearing my own parents say that I am unable to do it nor will I be successful at it is soul-crushing. Additional points when they compare me to my own sister and cousin, who's also successful on their own ways and career. I've already felt like a burden for being the way I am today. Why do they make me keep second guessing my own decisions? They make it sound like if I don't do what they wanted me to do, I'll end up regretting it and they'll tell me "I told you so."

All I ever wanted was to hear them that they support me, no matter what decisions I make. If I fail and make mistakes, I had hoped they'd be there to cheer me up and give me encouragement. Even a simple "it's okay, you can try again" phrase would be enough. It's all I ever wanted to hear from them, to feel from them. Their unconditional support.

It makes me wish to turn back time and fix my mistakes. I firmly believe that by doing so, my life would be better than I have now. Then I resorted to moving on from my past and to just focus in the future. But with no support and I'm being drowned by my own thoughts everyday, it gets hard. I am surprised I managed to be here until today. I've already considered about it plenty of times, I just didn't have the courage to do so. Even with the idea of death, I am unable to do it. Maybe I am not enough.

I'm tired. I'm actually tired. All my life, it felt like I was being controlled, being babied. I'm not sure if it's because of my upbringing as a sheltered, spoiled kid, but I'm already seeing the effects now. I am ashamed, but I firmly believed I was very intelligent, a bit superior than average majority of my life. Truly a jack of all trades, master of none. Now, I hate hearing and seeing people's expectations of me, because of how they view me. I hate to have them high expectations of me, only to see the true disappointment that I am.

So I guess I'll sign that contract and let them decide my life again. I see no meaning in continuing and trying to live life with a purpose. I've already lost my cat a year ago, there's nothing holding me back. And ever since then, my life has always felt dimmer. I just want to be happy, that's all I ever wished for. Is that something so hard to achieve?